“I’M READY TO LISTEN”…SAID BETWEEN HEAVING SOBS AND STOMPING FEET!

“Have a kid”, they said!

“It’ll be fun”, they said!

“Three years is way harder than two” they said.

“WTF?!?” I said.

Why do people tell you to have children and then when you do, they tell you all the shitty stuff??

It’s like this big prank the world plays on you!

The social media outlets show the highlight reels; your parents regale you with stories of how cute you were as a baby; you nieces and nephews only show the best sides of themselves when you are around; your friends with kids tell you how great it is…

And then you pop this screaming, needy, pooping thing out…AND THEN they tell you all the horror stories.

I feel like this is a terribly unfair method of convincing someone to have a kid. I mean, if you heard all of the ways children rob you of time, money and sanity, who would do it??

I know our population would seriously suffer (but honestly maybe that’s a good thing)!

And in full honesty, I am writing this is the midst of one of the most epic tantrums we’ve ever experienced so I am being a bit harsh, but really, I mean REALLY…OH MY GOD MY EARS ARE BLEEDING!!!

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Ever just want to yell “SHUT UP!” but then you come to your senses JUUUUST enough to say it in a really quiet but exaggerated-faced whisper?? Me. Right. Now.

Ok, so I’m going to put a positive and productive spin on this because it’s what always keeps me sane during challenging times.

Here are my tips to remaining calm and sane during 3 year-old tantrums.

  1. We just discovered the fact that we can send her to her room so we don’t have to hear it. Maybe its the fact that we can trust her up there now, or maybe we’re just slow to come to this, but the dulled screaming is a lot more manageable.
  2. The Whining Chair. A lot of our tantrums escalate from whining. And we learned to intersect that quickly so it doesn’t end up in a full-on thrash-fest, with, The Whining Chair. It’s just what it sounds like. A chair in Β another room for her to sit in when she starts whining. Once she has settled down for a full minute we start the timer and she needs to sit there for 3 minutes. This is different from a timeout because it is expressly for whining.
  3. Recognizing the triggers. For our child, TV + Tired = RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS! So when she is tired we don’t even think about TV. Except today, we fucked up. And now I’m writing this.
  4. Rather than distracting the child, I prefer to distract myself, hence, writing right now! A lot of “distractions” for kids when they are behaving badly come in the form of rewards and i don’t believe we should teach them this is ok. So I don’t reward the bad behavior. We have consequences, such as timeout, and if there is a melt-down, we adults, distract ourselves with something fun!
  5. If there is a certain behavior that is a problem and leads to tantrums or whining and is done in an appropriate manner, we reward. So, when our daughter is hungry, if she starts immediately whining that she wants something to eat she goes to The Whining Chair. If she is hungry and asks nicely, we overly praise and then she gets to put a sticker on her chart. 3 stickers per day for a week = a tiny toy reward form the dollar store.

So, there you have it. 5 ways to get through or avoid a tantrum. And as I finish up, the noise is slowly quieting down from upstairs so I will now go talk to her about why she was up there to begin with.

Thanks for sticking with me.

 

IT’S OK TO ASK QUESTIONS

Children are amazingly honest and perfectly curious about everything in life.

The reason they ask ten million questions a day is because they have this intense desire to learn and gain insight into everything going around them in the world.

Around the age of four or five children develop the ability to become embarrassed. And we, as parents, do a really good job of taking advantage of that. Whether we mean to or not, we are sure to let them know that they should never do something to “embarrass themselves” or “embarrass their parents.”

That sucks doesn’t it? That we start conditioning our kids so early on to give a shit about what others think of them? To imply that acting in a way other than the way they feel good about, is abnormal or not okay or the big E word?

So it brings me to this…all of us have been conditioned in our lives to feel embarrassment. And one of the biggest things that our children do, before we brainwash them into feeling embarrassed themselves (and yes I do this too, I’m saying “we”), is to stare, point or ask questions about other people that don’t fit in the tiny box of what we call NORMAL (blagh I hate that word!!!).

As soon as a child sees someone in a wheelchair, they want to know why! WHY IS THAT BAD!!??

As soon as a child sees someone with any handicap they want to know why they are different! WHY IS THAT BAD!?!?

As soon as a child sees someone with skin different than theirs, or a homeless person, or a woman in a Hijab they want to know why! WHY THE FUCK IS THAT BAD!?!?

All of these people are people in our world. They are people that make our lives richer, our lives diverse and bring awareness to the differences in the society we live in!

So when a child asks questions, answer them in an honest way! Don’t say, “it’s not nice to stare!” Say “that man is in a wheelchair because his legs don’t work” or “that little girl is wearing a helmet because she liked to sleep on one side so much it flattened out her head a little bit so doctors are helping make her head round!” (BTW those are super common– those soft and squishy little heads paired with the all-elusive super-sleepers like this sweet chunk in the pic make for some excellently flat heads)!

And adults, you ask questions too! And if you’re too shy to ask, then don’t fucking stare. It’s rude.

All of this is brought to you courtesy of the cutest little chick in the world rocking her helmet like a badass! You go Pea!!!!!

Top 3 Habits of UNSUCCESSFUL People

I’m going to cut to the chase. We all have bad habits. From not changing the toilet paper roll to gossiping.

But there are three main habits that I’ve found in my research that unsuccessful people have that above all else continue to create a world of failure and mediocrity for them.

These three habits can be applied to business owners, little league coaches, CEO’s…you name it!

But I’m here to talk about MOMS.

–>Although if you’re not a mom, please read on if you are unsuccessful in any way, this WILL apply to you too!

  1. BLAMING

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Blaming is soooo easy to do to others but soooo hard to do to ourselves. The husband, the government, the aliens, but most of all THE KIDS. They are the best target because they are cute and chaotic. They are unpredictable and lovable. So when you blame them you don’t stay mad. If you were to blame yourself for all of your failures you would actually have to feel angry.

So how do you stop this? You have to begin to recognize when you do you it before anything else. You have to be honest with yourself. Is it the kids fault you are late to your meeting or did you not leave enough time in the morning? Is it your kids fault that you are eating their leftovers or did you not plan ahead and make your own meal before theirs so you wouldn’t pick at it?

Recognize, Accept and Recondition

Recognize when you are doing it. Accept the true blame. Recondition yourself through daily reminders to think before you FEEL.

2. JUSTIFYING

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Justifying is a kinder but still malevolent version of blaming … but instead of blaming your failure on someone, you are giving yourself permission to fail, suck or be average. I used to do this a lot. “It’s okay that I don’t have a lot of money, young people are not supposed to have a lot of money, it’s part of growing up.” “It’s okay that I’m eating my kid’s leftovers, that’s all part of young parenting, it’ll make for great memories!” All of these all us to feel okay for our short-comings or lack of action / proactivity.

Recognize when you are justifying (all excuses are justifications). Accept that you are doing this. Recondition your brain to say to yourself “this is a justification so I will do X in spite of it.” Today I felt tired. I didn’t want to write this blog. I thought “I got up early today, I deserve a nap. My nap is JUSTIFIED” and my brain said “Nooooo no no missy, this is a justification for why you shouldn’t do something when you know full well why you should!”

3. COMPLAINING

sourceEver been around a constant complainer? OMG it makes me want to shrivel up and die. It’s like their constant stream of blather about how the world hates them and everyone and everything is out to get them never ends. If you are a complainer please look inside yourself and see that what you are doing is actually attracting bad things to you. If you are not a complainer but find yourself in close proximity to one frequently, RUN! Their toxicity spreads like wildfire!!

The feeling you get when you complain is addictive. You know the feeling. It’s similar to the gossiping feeling. A little bit of a high followed by a huge let-down that what you want in life isn’t happening. And then complainers start trying to one-up each other. It’s just all bad.

So…I’ll repeat.

Recognize when you are doing it, Accept the fact that you are, and Recondition your brain to swallow those words and say something positive. “Traffic sucks so bad” turns to “isn’t it nice to have a little extra time this morning to listen to the radio and peacefully sip my coffee.” Nice isn’t it?

 

So there you have it! The only three things unsuccessful people successfully do. They blame, they justify, they complain.

If you are a mama who finds yourself doing these things, reach out to me. YOU CAN CHANGE and live the life you want!!

kellyspencerfitness@gmail.com

 

When Did We Learn How To Quit?

And if it is in fact learned, it means we can unlearn it right??

I watched my baby struggle to try to crawl today. She tried and tried and tried and I KNOW that she will succeed.

Because babies don’t know how to quit. Why can we always take so many cues from babies??

They don’t quit screeching when they’re hungry, they don’t quit crying when they need to be changed, they don’t quit learning how to walk or crawl even though they fall over countless times.

So when do we learn to quit?

Did our parents teach through modeling what to do when they got frustrated? Did their parents teach them? Is it to soften the blow of an undesirable outcome, to avoid facing failure?

Is it because we say to our kids “no you can’t climb up there its too high”, or “that kid is too big too play with” or when they fail at an attempt we say “its okay, you’re just a kid”?

As I was trying to research whether or not these are learned behaviors or if they just develop in the brain at a certain point I read a blog that said “failures force us to quit”… I wholeheartedly disagree!!

We choose to quit. Failures simply become the rationalization for that choice. But we choose it ourselves.

Adversity will always present itself in our lives and we need to be okay with that when it does. We don’t have to feel good about it, but we need to understand that it is a law of nature. Life can’t be perfect all of the time. It is how you react to that adversity that determines where you will go in life. What your story will look like in the last chapter.

So take a moment today to look at the things you have quit in your life and what the reasoning was.

Was it because you truly didn’t enjoy what you were doing? If so, good for you!

Or was it because you came across some adversity and let it win? If so, you need to get back out there my friend! Start crawling if you have to!!

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SELF HELP & SOUR LEMONS

Feeding a baby is hard.

It’s messy.

It’s frustrating.

You have to do a lot of trial and error to see what said baby likes to eat.

A lot of time it results is some funky looking shit.

But you do it right?

You feed the baby because the baby needs to grow. You feed the baby because once in a while the end result is sheer joy. The end result is a realization that opens that baby’s eyes to a whole new world. Oh hello sweet potatoes!! I love you smooshy peas! Bananas in a jar? Yes Please!!

So we go through all this hassle to see the smile or the sour-lemon face on our kiddos and the truth is, we should be doing the exact same thing for ourselves…but for our souls, our habits, our behaviors, our brains, our LIVES!

Personal Development is just that, personal. It’s not a one-size fits all gig. A lot of people peace-out on personal development because they read one book and it gave them the sour-lemon face. But that’s no reason to bail. FEED THAT BABY.

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You just may find something that sets your soul on fire!

So how does this relate to being a mom? Or just being a human?

How does it NOT?!?!

Learning patience with your kids, learning how to optimize all of the hours you have in your day, learning how to save money, learning how to make money, learning how to have a better relationship with your partner or family. Learning how to cope with stress and anxiety…Yes these are all forms of personal development!

If you are feeling lost, frustrated, fed up, low on patience. Try it. You can’t change unless you do something you’ve never done before!

 

STOPFUCKINGJUDGING

I’ve been at a coaching summit for the past few days and have been surrounded by the most inspiring motivation people I could ever hope to know. Truly beautiful souls that want to see the world succeed. 

Many of us are new moms so thanks to our wonderful company they set up New Mom Rooms for pumping, breastfeeding, baby changing and snuggling…which was so painful because I’m missing my nugget like crazy! 

And any sort of room set for moms naturally becomes the hair salon for gossip and talk of babies! 

A brand new mom sat next to me pumping, her 3 month old baby at home, and told me that she was pumping every 2 hours while at Summit because of the pressure she was getting from her family to keep breastfeeding. The poor girl could only get a couple ounces out and was so guilt ridden she was almost in tears!

SERIOUSLY WTF?!?! After being surrounded by such supportive women for days I forgot about the judges out there… breastfeeding vs formula; baby wearing vs strollers; kid harnesses…cribs…cosleepers….AAHHHH!! 

Just stop. If a kid is safe, happy, healthy and loved keep your mouth shut. Shhhh! Shut it! Real women raise each other up, they don’t tear each other down. 

COMPLAINING ABOUT COMPLAINERS

I have so much to say about people who complain about things that are 100% in their control.

“I’m fat”

“I don’t eat well”

“I have no motivation”

“My kids are out of control”

“I have no money”

If you are unwilling to fix the problem that is bothering you then do not complain about it. By not being proactive and at least trying to fix the problem you are saying to the world that you are OK with the way things are, and if you are OK, then you should not complain.

Right?

“I’m fat” Then workout. There are plenty of resources to help you get in shape. I am one of them. And if you’re just saying it so people say “no you’re not you’re perfect” then stop, and tell yourself that you are perfect because that is the only person that matters telling you that.

“I don’t eat well” Then don’t buy garbage and don’t eat it. Buy vegetables. Look up recipes online, they’re free.

“I have no motivation” Nobody does, the successful ones have discipline. And discipline can be learned.

“My kids are out of control” Set limits and boundaries and stick to your rules you set. No empty threats, no bargaining, no compromise. Turn the TV off and play with them.

“I have no money” Stop spending on unnecessary things. Get a side job that you can do from home. Network marketing jobs are quite lucrative.

Point is, there is no point in complaining. It gets you nowhere, it wastes time and it drives other people crazy.

yes, I just complained about complainers. #callingmyselfout